You could definitely say that I am a selfish writer. I use my words only when I am affected at the deepest level in some way. Yes a lot of things I write about may seem trivial, but in a world where guarded is the new intimate I feel like anything can be taken to a new meaning. This new waves of distance people seem to be adapting to is just a game of cat and mouse. A guessing game. A mystery if you will. You get to wonder and guess and decipher what others really mean and feel. And you may never know for sure what goes on behind someone’s face until you actually see the results but that’s just another part of the game. I can’t and won’t claim to speak for others but when the moment is right, I can pour my soul out to the world without fear for being judges because in these moments I can unapologetically myself. My true and raw self. The adventures of a college kid may actually resemble something like a saga as opposed to that lighthearted sitcom. The problems and conflictions we face are so real and Earth shattering. The balance between “growing up” and staying the same. Wanting help and wanting to be independent. Loving someone and craving possibility.
Maybe these are the thoughts of an unhinged and overly poetic nineteen year old but damn if I don’t feel something real right now. I can feel everything and that’s wonderful. I can feel the pain, but it feels so good because from day to day I can’t seem to feel anything. And then I have these intense and wonderful moments of pain. The good kind. The kind that comes from something beautiful.

let me steal your heart and make it grow, so that among the broken things there is room for me. for I do not wish to take anything away from. not even the pain. let me fill you with so much happiness that you forget the pain of others. and let me give you pain of my own and let us grow with each other because with you there is a constant and beautifully chaotic symphony of love. music pours from the moments spent together and the rush of emotion feels strikingly similar to something I felt before. you are not the only one who has been broken. this will not be the last time you feel broken. but you must realize that all the good that comes from something has to be worth one moment of a thousand that you feel this way. I want you to trust that I can be different. that we can be different. that the things you can control and the things you can’t encompass nothing and everything.

In my own way, whether you stay or go I will love you to the end of time.

But I am glad you chose to stay.

I finally understand, and I’m sorry it took me so long

And with the sharpest clarity, I finally understand. I can now comprehend the entirety of my love for you, because it has ended. My thoughts have come full circle as I realize, that we could grow no more with each other. We burned too fast, but more than that we both become better versions of ourselves – versions of ourselves who didn’t need each other. We found each other in a place where we were exactly what the other one needed. Now that we have both grown – grown apart, I come to the shocking conclusion that it’s over. For so long I didn’t understand why things changed. I was so angry that we weren’t happy. I was so hurt when we stopped seeing each other. And it was even worse when we ran into each other. And maybe now it will hurt in a different way, but I think this is a step for me. A step in the right direction. Because for the first time in a long time we are on the same page again. And even if we never speak, never touch, never savor each other again I can say that I loved you.